Adults

I guess this is what adults do. They disappoint.

They bring you in to their world and make you their best friends and they disappoint you. Mercilessly so.

I swore to myself I would never let myself become one of them. Turns out, I've become too much like them. Maybe worse.

My phone's been ringing all morning. Clients, friends, her and... her. They demand to know what's going on.

Clients wanting to know when glamorous stories of their company will be published, friends wanting to know if I'll be free today. All of them dismissed very easily.

But these two names that pop up on my phone are harder to dismiss. One my girlfriend who I owe an explanation to and the other not so much. Although it pains me to think what must be going through each of their heads right now regarding my current situation. My girlfriend worried to death not knowing if I'm alive or dead and Janice, well Janice is just overcome by guilt at what happened last night. I can't blame her. I specifically told her that I wanted none of anything.

But I shouldn't be so selfish in blaming her. It takes two to tango and two to, well, everything else.

I should deal with my girlfriend first. She deserves an explanation. A really long one followed by a talk. Come what may. Turns out living the sheltered life of  a recluse doesn't sound so bad after all.

Didn't get much sleep after I got back. Counted the blemishes on my bedroom ceiling. Anything to keep my mind off this fuck up.

I'll probably end up single after this. Worse case scenarios, Haziq. Worse case scenarios. I kept telling myself that this morning when the sun blared through the curtains of my window. My eyes burning from keeping them open for far too long. Maybe I wanted to burn off my irises. The searing pain and dry eyes a small consolation to what I'll be getting later.

How the fuck did it get to that point? I'm still kicking myself stupid for it.

Jeez.

Talked to my cat about it. She was no help at all. Absentmindedly licking herself while I paced up and down my room unloading my guilt on her. And yet she did nothing. Merely purred and expected a stroke.

I could talk to Fi, but that would be a stretch.

Guess we'll just have to see how things go. Never mind the fact that you feel like shit (as you should) and scared as fuck (as you should!).

Go fuck yourself, Haziq.

Cheers.